What If

I painted today. I painted from a photo I took of a person I know, and I painted him in a lighting situation that was very difficult for me. With natural light, I placed him in front of the light so that his face was in shadow. I positioned him to look straight at the viewer because I like the way the confrontation makes the painting feel indignant. I wanted it to feel indignant because I am frustrated that when I paint a portrait I don't know what to say about it that makes it sound like art. I am frustrated that I feel like I have to say something about it to make it sound like art. I am frustrated that I don't know how to say that I just want to paint because I just want to paint.

So I keep painting, and when I'm asked what I'm doing, I still don't know what to say because what I have to say doesn't seem to be what I should be saying. The problem may lie in the fact that the things I think about when I paint are not the things I try to explain. In order to paint a portrait, create a good composition, with accurate proportions, clean color and believable values, and get a likeness of the model, I have a lot more to think about than any statement I would want to make about the piece. In justifying the painting latterly I give an illusory review of the painting process, and I wish I could just tell the truth.

But I see an easy way out. It would be a lot easier, and it would take much less time: I could take photographs. Much of my work is done from photography, and everything I have discussed about involving the viewer and forcing interactions and interpretations of emotions could be accomplished much more easily with a photo. I might not have to pick up a brush ever again. In fact I believe I could create a much more interesting and creative concept through photography than I ever could through realistic painting, and in a way it sounds kind of nice. A 200 ml tube of paint can easily cost over a hundred dollars, but I wouldn't have to pay for paint, brushes or canvas ever again. I wouldn't have to spend countless hours in my studio working and struggling to get an eye to look right, and I wouldn't have to throw away paintings because the colors are all wrong or the proportions are off. Think of what I could do with my free time!

But the easy way out would feel empty and insincere. And what about passion? What if I started painting for a different reason than to explain a concept or get people to think about things in a new way? What if I really did just want to paint "pretty pictures"? Would that be so bad? What if I painted simply because I love to paint, because I love the challenge, or to be able to do something that other people can't do? A builder builds, a baker bakes, and a writer writes; is it so wrong for a painter to paint without having to explain his reasons to the world? I don't want to take photographs, sculpt, garden, perform, or throw mud at canvas: I want to paint, and I want to capture what I see, the way I see it.

Is that really so wrong?